Pete Watermelon Boldly Goes.

The Words:

Dwarf
Pete Watermelon
Tabernacle
Drag queen
Starship Enterprise
Quack Quack
Grot
Moomin
Glendonitis
Whore
Wotsits
Cowboy
Moose
'Alright there la’?
kind of
Hertfordshire
Cauliflower Ears
"Consonant please Carol"
Bunion
Flap
Limp
Milk
Nancy boy
Spam
Placebo
funk
Slime
Onion Bhaji
Special bus
Jellify

The Story:

Pete Watermelon’s career of picking annoying pop acts has dried up in the wake of the X-Factor mogul Simon Cowell’s global takeover. His new venture is to appear in the next Star Trek film and have the Cheeky Girls doing the main soundtrack. He was originally concerned that he wouldn’t fit in with the cast, but was quickly relieved that the crew comprised of limping dwarfs and cast that resembled drag queens and moomins. Although he believed that he fitted in, those around him were far from convinced.

The directors are starting to regret their decision due to his strange habits. He has a strange habit of eating food the in the shape of body parts and inanimate objects. Particular favourites of his are milk bottle sweets, but he has been known to make people sculpt cauliflower in the shape of ears, whenever the rugby is on. One person on set once said “she is sure the irony of eating cauliflower ears while watching rugby turns him on”. Perhaps the grossest of culinary creations he likes is eating onion bhajis shaped as bunions with added bunion shavings from his own feet.

At first the melon used to travel to set with the other actors in a special bus that did the rounds, but recently he has opted to set up a tabernacle outside the studio, where he attends to his rare diagnosis of Glendonitis, which he treats with the section around the spam that starts to jellify. This hobo kind of existence allows him to pretend to be a cowboy, which has always been a dream of his. Although he loved this new arrangement he was starting to miss his creature comforts back home in his stately home in Hertfordshire. He dearly missed watching repeats of countdown, with the words "Consonant please Carol" and seeing how the Grot Empire was working out in repeats of ‘The Rise and Fall’ of Reginald Perrin, while eating wotsits.

When it got late at night he used to smuggle whores into the set of the Starship Enterprise for some fun. He used to shout “'Alright there la’?” to let them know that the cost was clear. Melon was into all sort of strange sexual acts, which encompassed making duck noises like ‘quack quack’, before smearing his moose-slime around flaps of the whores. He would also play ‘In a Funk’ by Placebo to get the mood just right. A particular preference of his was to let the whores dominate him and get them to ask if he was a Nancy boy, to which he would reply “kind of ”.

The Picture:

Berlusconi's Shootin' Stars

The Words:

Shit
Crumpet
Explicit
Boggle
Berlusconi
Suntanned
Spaghetti
String-vest
Oo-var-voo
Eararnoo
Scrawny
Acorn
Beautiful
Openshaw

The Story:

Politicians throughout history have been abusing their power to get laid, and Italian prime minister is no exception. When Clinton had Lewinski under the desk giving him a nosh the public gave an oo-var-voo vote and quickly he went out of power. Berlusconi has recently been exposed on explicit websites pleasuring women in a mass orgy, wearing a string-vest. Although shocked, the public have got behind the prime minister and housewives across the world have fantasised about Berlusconi’s scrawny acorn, wishing they were the crumpet in the film. Somehow he had been given an unresounding eararnoo vote.

The mind starts to boggle why the shit didn’t hit the metaphorical fan. No other political figure has been caught out and been received so well. Police have been tracking the IP address that first posted the video and it has been revealed to have come from Openshaw. Instead of the person being prosecuted Berlusconi sent round a beautiful suntanned escort round with his favourite spaghetti dish as way of a thank you for boosting his popularity.

The Picture:

A Vile Death For Jeremy Kyle

The Words:

verbal diarrhoea
Shamone
Jeremy Kyle
Chainsaw
Long eared jerboa
Soppy
Bakery porn
Sellafield
Tango and Cash
Pina Colada
Jack Cohen (Founder of Tesco)
Mauled
Fish finger sandwich
Knobhead
Dukes of Hazzard
Tubbs

The Story:

In Jack Cohen’s world he is always looking to get more and more of our hard earned money. Although his main income is form Tesco, he is always looking for a quick way to make a buck or two. At one point he set up a franchise selling knobhead hats which went down a storm in Blackpool for stag dos. One of his other successful branches of business is bakery porn. The bakery make X-rated cakes of all varieties for birthday parties and strip clubs, and it has turned out to be big big business.

Even with all his money he was not content. What he really wanted was to take over television and his main strategy was to remove Jeremy Kyle from morning TV. He teamed up with strange man from Sellafield with a Tubbs like nose. Rumour had it that the man in question had been exposed to the radioactive leak at the power plant in the mid 90’s and this has caused him to mutate. They were an unlikely pairing a bit like Tango and Cash, but the strange man was known as the long eared jerboa; due to his strangely large lugholes and athletic prowess.

Before setting off on their mission in a replica of the car from Dukes of Hazzard Jack had a toast with a pina colada, while jerboa wolfed down a fish finger sandwich. The jerboa asked if they were off to meet the man with the verbal diarrhoea, to which Jack replied shamone, we need to go.

One hour later in Dukes of Hazzard style, Jack drove the car crashing into the Jeremy Kyle set mid show. The jerboa leapt out and wielded a chainsaw above his head and slashed it into Jeremy Kyle’s abdomen spraying Jeremy Kyle’s innards over the audience. As the body lay in a mauled soppy mess on the floor Jack could be heard singing don’t stop till you get enough. Once Jerboa had his moment he returned to the car and they sped off out of the studio and into the distance.

The Picture:

The Loss Of A Lizard Spells Disaster For Jack

The Words:

Ginger muffin
Pleb
Red Tegu
Chorizo
Solihull
Conkers
Battersea dogs home
Gorrillagram
Pheromones
Slops
Slut
Cabbage
Readers wives
Catastrophic

The Story:

Coconut Jack owned a Red Tegu lizard which he fed a mixture of ginger muffins, cabbage and chorizo sausage, which was not the recommended diet and strange things started to happen. The Lizard started to become more boisterous around females upon sensing their pheromones and seemed to gain a liking for Coconut’s Readers Wives collection. Things got so bad that the lizard attacked a local slut in the middle of the street. Due to the violent nature of the attack which led to a considerable loss of blood the lizard had to be put down. Officials from the RSPCA said they though that the diet was the cause of the attack.

The death of the lizard got so hard to cope with for Mr Jack, especially knowing that he was the main cause of its death. Animals meant everything to him and life without a pet in his life was really difficult. Coconut tried to fill the void by dressing up as his second favourite animal a gorilla and become a gorillagram around his home town of Solihull. This did not really help his pain as getting his conkers out for the ladies only made him feel like more of a pleb.

Coconut learned of a job at the Battersea dog’s home. He got really excited about the possibility of working there and to his surprise his application was successful. Unfortunately what appeared to be a silver cloud turned out to be a catastrophic mistake; two days after starting the job he went into the kennel to clean out the slops for a German Shepherd. The dog took a sudden dislike to him and attacked his maracas before mauling him to death.

The Picture:

Michael Wax On Wax Off

The Words:

Suicide bomber
Vanilla slice
Look-a-like
Teeth
Pebbledash
Knackers
Sudan
Dialysis
Plums
Wonga
Crusty
Okeey
Circus
Wasp
Wacko Jacko
Teething

The Story:

We all know that Wacko Jacko is dead, but did you really believe that the legend died in such a mundane way. The truth has been hushed up to spare further grief on his family. For those of you want to believe that he was heavily sedated and taken to a hospital in LA to try and revive him surrounded by dialysis machines and electric shock paddles stop reading now.

We all know that Wacko was suffering from lack of finances towards the end and he had to sell his circus world of Neverland for an undisclosed amount of wonga to carry on. Rather than staying in America and facing the press he got a Look-a-like to pose as him while he headed out to Sudan.

Once Jacko arrived he tried to keep a low profile by staying in a hovel away from the masses. He had horded food from America which he used to tempt children in. The items of food he had the greatest success with were vanilla slices, plums and Crusty the Clown cakes, although he had many other items that children loved to get their teeth into. He did this over a number of weeks to pray on their sense of loyalty so he could action his master plan. His plan was to take out Mr Okeey. Mr Okeey had stalked him many years before and had written wacko many threatening letters, all of which contained dead wasp.

Jacko knew Mr Okeey resided in a mansion the other side of town and he was here to take him down. He gathered all the children together one of which was still teething and needed to be enticed with a Rusk. Next he strapped explosives to the children’s’ bodies and strangely to his knackers. He fed the small children into the grounds of the mansion and got them to surround the building while he went to the gate and rang the intercom. Mr Okeey answered and Jacko pressed the trigger on the detonator which was connected to the explosives on himself and the children. This caused an almighty explosion which pebble dashed the area with flesh and blood and destroyed the mansion and Mr Okee.

The Jackson family did not want the sordid truth coming out about Jacko being a suicide bomber, so they made up the story about Jacko dying at home.

The Picture:

John Amaechi's close shave with a pwddin

The Words:

Rhubarb
Squidgy
Redemption
Horticulture
Crufts
Poop-a-scoop
Pierre Marie
Bonio
Pwddin
Blew
John Amaechi
Bangor City
Lemonhead
numpty

The Story:

The Bangor city annual horticulture show was beyond redemption. The event that was so key in the Bangor social calendar was a complete wash out. The guest of honour, Bono (or Bonio to those who knew him) dropped out following an unfortunate accident at Crufts with a Poop-a-scoop. Pierre Marie tripped up Bono, who fell on the scoop; which then impaled into his back orifice. A replacement was quickly found but due to the short notice the best they could come up with was John Amaechi.

John arrived to the event on the opening day to a mixed reception. Nobody knew who he was. The only group that were glad to see him were the Women’s Institute who knew a strapping lad like that would enjoy the food tasting at the end of the event. Every year the WI turn the prize winning fruit and veg in to all kinds of delicious food, and it will be John’s task to pick the winner.

The NBA numpty stomped around the event and scared children and adults alike with his giant like stature. He felt a sense of belonging at the event due to the strangely large size of the fruit and veg that were displayed; for a moment he actually felt normal, rather than the freak he normally considered himself to be. He had never seen a lemon the size of his head before. He proudly had pictures taken with the lemon in front of his head making him the lemonhead man. He judged the squidgy rhubarb pudding the winner and proudly stated that this is the closest he will ever come to a pwddin blew (hairy pudding). Unfortunately for him this joke was lost on the folk that turned up for the event and he sloped off quietly.

At the end of the show news came in that Bono’s accident was worse than feared. The poop-a-scoop that he fell on had been used, and faeces that was on it had got into his blood stream and caused an infection. The infection was so severe that his eyes had popped from his head before suffering a fatal haemorrhage.

The Picture:

A Sad Lack Of Motivational Skills

The Words:

Gleet
Cravat
Millionaire
Stiff
Spandex
Dimple
Snitch
Super poo
Curly wurly
Cock-a-doodle-doo
AlpenSergey Bubka
Shrimp
gothic

The Story:

Mr Motivator has just come back on our screens in the role of fitness instructor to the dole masses. During the time away from the screen he hung up his spandex and cravat and took on a multitude of work. One of the main pieces of work was a collaborative event with Gillian McKeith where he was used to analyse people’s super poo, for use on her programme. During his research he analysed poo of all different constancies and varying shapes. He quickly got disillusioned with the job after Gillian took all the credit and became a millionaire swiftly. The breaking point came when he was expected to look at all kinds for anal gleet that was produced by people on poor diets; so they hastily parted company.

After parting company with Gillian times got hard and he turned to advertising roles. First he advertised Kellogg’s cornflakes and dressed up as a cockerel that danced around the street chirping cock-a-doodle-doo an effort to promote the health benefits of eating the brand. He has also done adverts for rival company Wheetabix for their Alpen brand. Perhaps the strangest advertising role he undertook was for Cadbury’s advertising the Curly Wurly chocolate bar where Sergy Bubka is wearing a Curly Wirley straightjacket to stop him winning the Cadbury’s cup in the chocolate pole-vault.

The lack of any concrete work led Mr Motivator to become withdrawn and he joined a gothic cult, which worshiped the shrimp. It was their belief that Dimple was the king of shrimps was and by worshiping him they would become the most important and powerful organisation in the world. All was going well with this until he was given a stiff reality check when a snitch from the group unveiled his unusual life choices on the internet.

The Picture:

With Or Without You

The Words:

Sticky
Flaps
Window licker
Ferret
Gypsy
Dialysis
soppy
Floppy
Volkswagen Camper-Van
Bonjela
Canoeist
Banjo
Cheese string
Oreo
Bono
Colonoscopy

The Story:

At the Holesway hospital Dr Gradas named the colonoscopy equipment Bono, due to the irritation it causes to the people that it came into contact with. Dr Gradas had had the displeasure of meeting Bono years before at a party when he pulled up in his blinged out Gypsy Volkswagen Camper-van. It was one hell of a beach party until the window licker showed up trying to take over. People were eating things from their childhood like cheese strings and making milkshakes with flavoured with oreo’s and sticky bonjela, for that numbing sensation.

Bono strutted in with his usual swagger, strangely cradling a banjo. It wasn’t long before he was strumming away trying to serenade everyone he came across. He really couldn’t play it sounded like the kind of noise made when you electrocute a small lizard.

This soppy side of Bono was not going down well at all and a decision was made to get of him so Dr Gradas stepped out to his car and came back with a mild sedative and a dialysis machine. First he administered the sedative and as Bono went floppy he connected the dialysis machine and set it to work. Vast quantities of vodka were introduced to the machine and it was only a matter of time before he would be out cold. With a few flaps of the valves adding the vodka Bono glassed over and slumped to a heap; and a big cheer and a few cackles erupted on the beach.

Dr Gradas disconnected the equipment and took it back to his car, but the party goers were not finished with Bono. A crowed gathered around the campervan and removed the canoe from the top. Bono obviously fancied himself as a bit of a canoeist and he was going on his last trip. He was heaved into the canoe and pushed out to sea without a paddle never to be seen again.

The Picture:

Everybody loves...

The Words:

Moonwalk
Feltch
Scalp
Margarine
Fadge
Madge
Milkshake
Mafia
Katie Price
Bowel movements
Meatball
Kaleidoscope
Adrian Mole
Yeti
Toad-in-the-hole
Kahlua
Sven
Glenn

The Story:

Anne Charleston played the character Madge in Australian soap Neighbours for many years but now work has dried up. In recent times she has turned to more exotic roles to make a crust. Recently she starred in an adult version of Adrian Mole, aptly named "Toad in the hole". She has also starred in a football themed adult movie called "England managers – Sven vs Glenn" and a scat movie where she swallows bowel movements and rubs excrement in her scalp.

The transition has not been easy for Anne and she has turned to drink as a cope mechanism. Her main tipple is kahlua and in drinking this the world is distorted into a kaleidoscope. In this state no one can hurt her, which is just as well because comments of Madge’s fadge and innuendoes of Harold’s meatball(s) are never far away. She was recently asked to make a felching movie, but even for her this was a step too far. Although the money was very good she reluctantly declined the offer for a strange film where she would make sexual acts on slippery food and drink such as margarine and milkshake before bizarrely conducting the naked moonwalk across the set with a man in a yeti outfit.

Due to the rapid change in direction in her career Anne was getting a lot of attention. The only person who was getting a similar level of press was Katie Price following the breakdown of her marriage. Rumour has it that Anne’s movies are being funded by the Mafia, and her unwillingness to take part in felch films may put her life in jeopardy.

The Picture:

Bono's Blasted Blast Off

The Words:


Megan Fox
Combine harvester
Smooth criminal
Dub Step
Urinate
Kebab
Melons
Waps
Moon landing
P&O European Ferries
Offensive
Complaint
Bono
How now
Googly
Hawkeye
Safari
Puss


The Story:


Bono was on a mission to build a machine that could get him to the moon on a budget. He set to work using old vehicles to build his sensational space craft. The main components that he used were from a washed up P&O European ferry and a combine harvester. Rather than sitting down making drawings and fine tuning his design he slapped bits together and went with the flow. He figured that it was a waste of time to draw designs; he needed to get this thing moving. With a kebab in one hand and a blowtorch in the other he worked on through the night like a demented psychopath. He was nearly done and the craft looked surprisingly like a pair of gigantic waps.

He was not finished yet he needed to decorate the structure. One of the melon shaped spheres he pained a hawkeye and on the other a picture of Megan Fox. He wanted something similar to what war pilots had on their planes. It was finished and Bono looked up at his offensive looking creation with pride. It was time for bed now and when he awoke it would be launch time.

The reason Bono had built his creation was to pay his respects to Michael Jackson. He wanted to go to the moon and do the moonwalk on arrival while listening to “Smooth Criminal” and holding his crouch. Jacko was his favourite act after Dubstep and following his departure he felt it was something he had to do.

Bono woke up and got himself together. First he took a shower and then put on his clothes. He finished off his outfit with a safari jacket before squeezing himself into a space suit. Before he set off to the craft he made sure the spacesuit was set up so he could easily urinate during flight. This was it, Bono strapped himself in and said a quick rendition of “how now brown cow” to calm his nerves. In usual dramatic style the countdown for takeoff was “The final countdown” by Europe. Once the song was complete the engines roared into life and the craft took off. At first all looked good but then the spaceship started to change direction rapidly like a googly ball in cricket. There was a sudden explosion in the sky and this was no sonic boom. The craft split to smithereens and rained down like a like a firework.

Police said that Bono’s body largely evaporated into the atmosphere but a gooey puss was found on part of the wreckage that contained his DNA. Scientists set to work to see if they could resurrect Bono from DNA they found and this is still ongoing. One Scientist believes the goo can be used to make as many as 100 Bono’s. This has not gone down well with the public and has caused more than one complaint.



The Picture:

Where There's A Will There's A Way

The Words:

Catheter Bag
Danny McBanana
Bulldog clip
Faeces
Sellotape
Jaffa cake
Will Young
Will Carling
Will Mellor
William Windsor

Limp
Stump

The Story:

Danny McBanana was on a killing spree and was working his way through all the famous Will’s he could find. He had no reason for this; he just disliked the name Will. He had started by killing random Wills by looking through the phone directory but this wasn’t giving him the thrill he needed anymore, so he’s upped the anti to the big boys.

Danny is a man that gets bored easily, so every murder needs to be a little different. When he murdered Will Young he suffocated him by mummifying him in sellotape. It looked like a human cocoon. With Will Mellor he used just clubbed his victim with a large tree stump. He looked a real mess with his face in a concaved shape where his skull had imploded. Will Carling got the Jaffa cake treatment. He force fed Will Carling Jaffa cakes until he could eat no more. Will had eaten so many that the orange jelly was repeating on him and retracting back up his windpipe. Danny wasted no time and stuffed more three more jaffa’s in his mouth and held his lips together with an industrial sized bulldog clip. Carling gagged on his own vomit.

Today was the big one. He was going to kill the future king of England. This was special the one that would get him world famous throughout the world. He had been planning this for months but he knew this was going to be hard to pull off. William Windsor was attending the opening of a new hospital wing. Danny was lying and waiting in the one of the empty rooms in the hospital. He knew the window of opportunity would be short so he had to get this right. He did not want to alarm anyone so he must be able to make his visit as normal. He would get Windsor on the way out before he got back to the security.

As planned the visit took place and as he was leaving the hospital Danny sprung from the private room and dragged the future monarch into the private room. Danny punched to try and stop William struggling, but William landed Danny with a counterpunch. For a moment Danny thought that the opportunity had gone but he managed to get the situation back under control and forced William on the bed. When Danny killed Carling the before the death the food and fear caused Carling to shit himself. The gagging had been so successful he decided he would gag William with Carlings shit. He knew time was precious so he got to work ramming the limp faeces into William’s mouth and ramming it home with a pallet knife. His victim gagged and spattered shit out over his face but there was too much and he asphyxiated on the fowl smelling poo. Before Danny left he collected a pint of the royal’s blood in a catheter bag he found in the room.

Once Danny got home he used the catheter bag to squeeze the blood over his joobs. He was so turned on, and started to lap up the blood from his mammaries. There was a knock on the door followed by the words “police” open up. He had been followed.

The Picture:

Revenge of the McCririck

The Words:

Thrust
Clunge
Jiggle
Screwball
Coagulate
blunderbuss
Okey
Bamboozle
John McCririck
Taser
Milky orbs
floppy
Kibbutz
Oedipus

The Story:

John McCririck’s mind is one that has never been fully understood. Everybody knows he’s a shovanistic pig, but he never wanted to be this way. He wanted to be far more exotic and live the life of a world renowned magician that uses the power of bamboozle to make a lucrative living. He always wanted to be the choice of the rich and famous, earning large amounts of money at private functions. The longing was to have Turkish belly dancers thrust their milky orbs in his face and jiggle, while local businessmen play okey and drink whisky in the background.

Life for John as strange as it is, is far less glamorous. He has deep routed psychological problems ever since he found out his brother carried out the same act of Oedipus and killed his father to win the affections of his mother. Incest and murder destroyed John and led to the many years of electric shock treatment. At bad times his wife Booby administers top up treatments using a taser to the temple. At the time of treatment the thoughts of his mind fire off at all angles, like shrapnel fired from a blunderbuss.

John knew if he was ever to recover and get past this he needed to confront his mother and brother once and for all. The two of them fled the country twenty years ago and set up a Kibbutz in Israel. John travelled out by plane and he had his plan. He told his wife he was travelling for some research for a channel 4 programme later in the year, but he knew he was going to go to Israel and murder the two people that had fucked his mind so long ago. He arrived with a drive rarely seen by the fowl mouthed blingster. He resided in a town 10 miles south of the farm his mother and brother owned. He was staying here while he got the equipment he needed. He would never have got though customs with these knives and gags.

Two days later John pulled up to the farm in dead of night and snuck into the barn. He knew they would come in here sooner or later and he would be ready. He didn’t need to wait long, and as the door squeaked he saw his mother. He lacerated her with a machete and she howled in pain. Blood was pouring out but she was still alive and in agony. For the first time in years a glimpse of a smile flickered in John’s face. The screams had alerted his brother and he soon came in. His brother was stunned by the sight of his by now whimpering mother/lover. John quickly sprung into action and gagged the deviant and strung him up on the pullies in the barn. In one sharp swoop John cut his mother flange from her being. It was dripping with coagulated liquid that looked like the inside of a half empty warm screwball carton. John removed the gag and in an instant suffocated his brother with his mother’s hot floppy clunge.

The Picture:

Nice To See You...

The Words:

Conundrum
Engulfed
Embrace
Bruce Forsyth
Pristine.

The Story:

Bruce Forsyth even in his old age always keeps up his pristine appearance. I know what you are thinking; isn’t he dead yet? No he's not, and he never will be. The Forsyth will never die because he is half man and half machine. He sold his soul to the computer age in the late ninety’s to Japanese giants Honda. He embraced this new technology so he could live forever and prowl on young fillies for eternity. His large chin is the housing for his energy cells which give him the power to pollute our airwaves year after year.

The dirty old letch engulfed our airwaves decades ago but has never managed to land his dream job of being the Countdown host. He tried to apply for the job after Whitley’s demise but he insisted on having some blond bimbos on the show. Channel four chiefs did not want to degrade the show and turned down his offer, denying the Forsyth doing the conundrum. They didn’t want the torture of his irritating catchphrase “good game, good game”.

The Picture:

Steve's Big Mistake.

The Words:

Insomniac
Steve
Cockles
Moustache
Normandy
gout

The Story:

Steve had been ridiculed for his 70’s style porn star moustache for as long as I can remember. He was a creature of habit and refused change to fit in to the 21^st century. As stubborn as he was he did not like people talking behind his back and became withdrawn and despondent to people around him. This all got too much for him a couple of years ago. He figured that he needed to go somewhere where he could fit in. At first he thought he would move to Normandy but on research he realised that it was not far enough afield. Eventually he decided to Move to Canada.

In Canada Steve really started to fit in. He was no longer the outcast in society and started to earn a living herding elk. All was going well until he developed gout which rendered it impossible to do his job. His feet had swelled considerably and he was in significant pain. The lack of work and disease had depressed Steve once more, and he began to show signs of being an insomniac.

The lack of sleep had caused Steve to hallucinate. At first it started with swaying images but soon he started to see objects that were not there. This had not caused him any significant harm until he was on a trip with a friend. He was out hobbling along with Walter at the top of a cliff, when the edge of the cliff changed to a cafe with a bowl of cockles. Steve loved cockles and stumbled off the side of the cliff falling over 400ft to his death. Walter looked on in horror as his friend hurtled off the cliff. Walter will never forget the sound of Steve’s bones smashing on the rocks below.

The Picture:

Has It Come To This?

The Words:

Stool
Epileptic
Baboons
Balloons
Grange Hill
Joseph Fritzl
breakdancing

The Story:

Few things in this world is as disturbing as Joseph Fritzl, but many things are strange. One of the strangest sights I’ve seen in recent times is singing baboons that inhales gas from balloons. It is the funniest thing I have seen in a long time. You just can’t beat a bit of night fever from a group of high pitched baboons.

The video in question has become something of epidemic on youtube. But it is the aftermath video that is really disturbing. The baboons exposure to helium has caused a severe reaction. They start to fall off their stools and start to make rhythmic movements.

At first I thought it was a type of break dancing but it turned out to be a form of epileptic fit. It was not just one baboon that was affected but all of them. This was strangely eerie and not fun to watch anymore. The baboons were not looking healthy, and what started off to be a bit of fun was sadly harrowing to watch.

Has the world always been this warped? The strangest thing I remember watching on TV as a kid was Grange Hill. Society seems to have moved from funny to disturbing in an effort to keep us entertained. Have things gone too far?

The Picture:

Did He Choke On Coke, Or Was It Just A Lump Of Coal?

The Words:

Laminated
Arthur Scargill
Chastity Belt
Instigate
Frog
Cock-knocker
Haroon

The Story:

Arthur Scargill had taken over Haroon’s life. Haroon was not interested in his leadership of the Socialist Labour Party but instead is obsessed with the work he did in the 1980’s up to 2000 as the leader of the National Union of Mineworkers. Haroon had laminated paper cutting from throughout his rein as leader and arranged them carefully in lever arch folders in order of article date. He was insistent on instigating a reversal of decision, so that coal mines could be reopened.

Haroon abstained from sex by wearing a chastity belt. This is kept locked when in the presence of the female form. His mother kept the key for the belt which was removed when Haroon washed and needed the toilet. The rest of the time his mother insisted on it being locked so he could continue his work to get the mines reopened.

Although Haroon’s work was well received by his mother, this was not the majority view from society. Many people felt that Haroon was damaging Arthur’s good name by dragging up history. The local newspaper had picked up on his eccentricity and come up with a column to called the cock-knocker. This was to represent any strange and eccentric people within society. Each column then compared the strange person with the escapades of Haroon.

Unfortunately the exposure Haroon got led to his fall. A twisted individual who read the column had been doing his own research on how to kill Haroon. The individual who is still unknown broke into Haroons house dressed as a frogman so he would not leave any DNA. He then tied Haroon to a chair and force fed him coal until his victim had choked.

The Picture:

The Story Of The Liverpudlian Lactating Pygmy

The Words:

zygote
Guaranteed
Vulture
Culture
Consonant
Pygmy
lactate

The Story:

Liverpool, the previous capital of culture has been the birthplace of many a celebrity. Pigmy Sidney had lived here all his life and was desperate to become famous. He had an unhealthy fascination of zygote vultures, some said he got a perverse sexual pleasure from them and it was the only thing that turned him on.

Recently he had got in the public eye by appearing on a number of TV shows. His first appearance was on Countdown where they made him a special stool because he was too small to be seen above the desk. He did not perform very well on the show because only asked for consonants and no vowels. It was on Britain’s Got Talent that he shot to fame as a lactating pygmy. He had the rare ability of producing milk that he could squirt into his mouth and then gargle the national anthem. This strangle freak like performance catapulted him to millions of peoples front rooms and guaranteed his fame. People although appalled at his rare talent could not get enough of it.

The Picture:

The Special Potion Prescribed To Pacify A Painful Pink Sock

The Words:

Femidom
Squelch
Spittle
Special potion
Mother Teresa
Smegma
Pink sock
The Story:

Poor Dan had been having a rough ride of it lately. Just two weeks ago he was diagnosed with a pink sock. A pink sock is a painful prolapse of anal tissue and puts haemorrhoids in the shade when it goes to pain and anal bleeding. Doctors had concocted a special potion to try and rectify this, but lets face it the NHS is not what it used to be. He gave it a shot but to be honest it did fuck all. It had got so bad that when Dan was walking it was making a squelching noise and the only way he could stop the pain was to put a femidom over the sock.

Dan was getting desperate. He had done some research on the interweb and decided although gross it was worth shot. What he had read was to medicate himself with a mixture of spittle and smegma. Too be honest I think some numpty had put this on the site for a laugh. Try as he might it was no use. This just lead to an infection which made his pink sock swell up to double the size. As well as bleeding it was also spewing out a yellow puss.
Dan went back to the doctors and the prognosis was not good. After blood tests it was clear that infection had had spread to his bloodstream and he had septicaemia. The told him his days were numbered.

He decided that he must go and see Mother Teresa to see if she could heal him, (This was before she died) She was in Rome at the time. He had no time to waste so he booked his flight and a pack of femidom to ease the pain on the flight.

The flight took off at 3pm and all was going well. However, half way though the flight the pain in his prolapsed was getting excruciating. Dan was in agony writhing around on the floor of the plane. What came next was unprecedented in air travel history. The pressure at high altitude had caused the prolapse to haemorrhage. The sight and smell of the blood and puss was nauseating. "It looked like afterbirth" one woman on the plane had said. Dan knew this was it. As he writhed on the floor the haemorrhage had caused him to bleed to death.

The Picture:

Sunday Bloody Sunday

The Words:

Plump
Massacre
Cracked
Platypus
Deicide
Bono
Cantankerous

The Story:

The taxidermist was plumping up the duckbilled platypus to his former glory. It needed to be ready for tomorrows visit by Bono and Prince Philip.

The big day had arrived and the country estate was on full lockdown for the imminent arrival of the guests. One by one the celebrities started to roll in. After an hour or so Price Philip rocked up in his usual cantankerous mood. Whispers had started trying to predict how long it would be before he put his foot in it.

Another hour went by and then Bono came in full of his own self importance. He had come because this was a high profile charity event and he wanted to get his smarmy face on all the tabloids, promoting all the good he does.

Once inside the Prince Philip started proceedings by announcing the charity auction open. He made a few racist comments and then retreated to his seat. All started well and proceedings were going well, but then form above appeared something form another plane. At fist the guests thought it was an elaborate hoax, but quickly realised that this was no joke. What they saw before them was god. He had come down to sort out Bono once and for all. God picked up the stuffed platypus and hurled it towards Bono’s head. The bill of the platypus impacted into Bono’s skull which cracked into several pieces. Bono had been struck down by a higher force.

Prince Philip was outraged. Who did god think he was? It was his job to cause a commotion at public events. To him this was an injustice. Price Philip took the object that was being auctioned which happened to one of Tiger Woods golf clubs and threw this at god. This hit him with tremendous force and the god rest on the ground. Prince Philip had been labelled a deicide by the congregation and a full scale massacre proceeded. Ironically in the background U2’s “what a wonderful day” could be heard.

The Picture:

The Sad Demise Of A Bigamist Ventriloquist

The Words:

Ventriloquist
Bigamist
Simpleton
Richard Madeley
Barbarella
Cavernous
Noodle

The Story:

Deep within the cavernous mountainous rage of mountains of Afghanistan, Barbarella could be found eating noodles from a ventriloquists dummies head. The dummy resembled daytime chat-show host Richard Madley. The dummies were made after Richard was found to be a bigamist. Richard had been having a secret affair Jimmy Krankie. Not only had Richard been having an affair but he was married to Jimmy.

When Richard was caught he knew his days were numbered. People had been tuning in to watch his show for years. People knew he was a bit of a simpleton, but this was something else. The public turned against him in their droves. People crowded round his house and when he made an appearance they grabbed him and put him on a medieval rack and pulled him limb from limb. When his limbs flew off the crowd cheered with delight. When he had he had finally been put out of his misery one spectator cut off his head with one fowl swoop of a meat cleaver and put his head on a spike and paraded it around London. It wasn’t until his head reached Tower Bridge that his head found a resting place. His head was left there for all to see for ever more.


The Picture:

Post Colostomy Blues

The Words:

Amputee
Colostomy Bag
Fez
Monkfish
Commode
Guzzle
Self - mutilation

The Story:

Since having a colostomy bag fitted Bob had lost all faith in the human race. It was time to get even. Taking a leaf from his TV hero, he started to wear a fez and saying “just like that”. He had it all planned out. The next person who came round to try and sell him something on the doorstep was in for a surprise. He stated by hiding DIY tools in the commode that he used to use before the bag was fitted.

Two weeks had passed and a life insurance sales man came by. Bob invited him in and the salesman got to work. Bob signed up for the insurance and just when the salesman was going to leave Bob flipped open the lid on his commode and produced a hacksaw. Bob shouted at the salesman and started hacking at his arm. Blood started to spurt from his artery and with a few more sharp motions his arm was severed. He announced it with a calm voice “just like that.” Bob then started to guzzle down his own blood from his severed arm and rubbing himself with a filleted monkfish. The salesman by this time had fled the house at the sight of the amputee. Bob did not stop here. He carried on with his self-mutilation with a hammer drill and the rest of the contents of the commode. Within five minutes Bob had collapsed to the floor in a pool of his own blood, his heart beating its last beat.

The Picture:

The Sorry Tale Of The Dreadfully Constipated Lobster

The Words:

Brick
Manatee
Fingers
Constipation
Xylophone
Lobsters
Satsuma

The Story:

Deep inside the rind of a Satsuma the fingers of xylophone keys were stood erect upon the white pith. The keys had become embedded by one of the enchanting band of wild lobsters. They played on the beach of the Cowcum nut long though the night. They could play all instruments know to man and some that are not. A disgruntled lobster used the keys of the xylophone to cure his constipation. He worked the keys into his rectal tunnel. He was trying to force the hardened faeces from within his intestinal tract. This was not working to his satisfaction so he banged the key with a brick he found washed up by the tide. Try as he made the blockage would not budge. From beneath the murky water on the shore raised the most hideous creature of the sea. This was a manatee. This literally scared the shit out of the lobster, firing the keys at such velocity that they struck the Satsuma in a nearby tree.

The Picture:

A Scientifically Fictional Dinner Dance

The Words:

Kerfuffle
Pylon
Bombastic
crabs
Ewok
JR Hartley
Quintuple

The Story:

J.R. Hartley was out potting for crabs. He rarely went out fly-fishing anymore, as his fly kept getting tangled up in overhead power cables that were suspended by pylons. He loved his new hobby and today was special because he was hosting a dinner party later and crab was on the menu.

He was hoping for a good haul today, as yesterday he only caught a quintuple of crabs. This would not be enough for the party tonight. Mr Hartley was in luck today the catch was hansom and he caught plenty of fat juicy crabs. To spice up the dinner party he had made it a fancy-dress only affair, with a sci-fi twist. Tonight he was going to dress up as an Ewok from Star Wars. He was absolutely hooked on the film and even owned his very own Ewok style tree house.

Time was pressing on and the guests had all arrived. There were klingons, aliens galore but what really saddened him was that there was no princess Leia. Mr Hartley served the food which was well received, but strangely he insisted that people left their costumes on, even those with headpiece, like Darth Vader opposite. Some of the guests simply could not eat the food properly due to his restriction. At first nothing was said but after the second course some of the disgruntled guests started to pipe up. Mr Hartley thought that the whole kerfuffle was hilarious and started to laugh at all his guests. Mr Hartley’s happiness was short lived though as the Cyberman next to him stabbed him with a fork in the back of the hand. He’d been hit pretty hard and the fork was in deep. He managed to yank out the blood covered steel and patched his hand. To ease the tension Mr Hartley allowed the guests to remove their head pieces for the desert.

After the meal Mr Hartley decided to get some dancing under way. The guests were thinking something slow such as a bit of Mozart. What he kicked of the party with was Mr.Bombastic by Shaggy. The guests soon left the party as this was not their scene, but JR was undeterred, he had had a great night, except for the incident with the fork.

The Picture:

Charlotte 'Crazed Crack Pipe' Church

The Words


Genital herpes
Crazed
Stairlift
Crack-pipe
Bloodbath
Ecominds
Charlotte Church
The Story:

Charlotte Church had been described in many ways. Perhaps the most accurate description was a crazed crack-pipe. To help with her rehabilitation it may have been advised that she gets involved in one of the Ecominds projects. Although this may well have helped her, it would be unlikely to help other people on the project.

She contracted genital herpes while performing sexual acts on her grans stairlift, with the window cleaner. The infection led to blistering around her genital regions. When her other half found out what she had been doing he lost the plot. It was a complete blood bath. Police said it was brutal act and she had been cut into many pieces.
She may have been an annoying tart, but did she deserve that?

The Picture:

Bergerac And The Case Of The Incestuous Kitten

The Words:

Strap-on
Gargoyle
Syphilis
Incestuous
Kitten
Bergerac
whoopee cushion

The Story:

Bergerac was on the Isle of White to investigate the phenomenon of incestuous kittens. This litter of started copulating with each other moments after they were out of the womb. This trip however was about to get stranger.

It turned out that the whole kitten debacle was just a sick trick to lure Bergerac to the scene. Bergerac had crossed the hotel owner years earlier and now it was time to get even. While Bergerac was sleeping the hotel patron snuck into his room and beat Bergerac with a stap-on infected by syphilis. He was beaten so hard that Bergerac’s skull was split. He made a last gasp of air and he was dead.

Bergerac was discovered the next day by a cleaner. When giving evidence to the police she described him looking gargoyle like. She also said that the gas build up in his body had stating to escape and a noise not dissimilar to a whoopee cushion could be heard.
The patron was convicted, but nobody ever found out why he used a strap-on covered in syphilis.

The Picture:

The Strange Case Of Gary Glitters Kaleidoscopic Chlamydia Ridden Aardvark

The Words:

Glitter
Lap-dance
Resurrection
savaged
Kaleidoscope
Toby Anstis
Chlamydia

The Story:

Toby Anstis has had a resurrection to his career since recovering in hospital. Toby was in hospital since Gary Glitter savaged him with a Kaleidoscope. Toby was trying to get a lap-dance for Otis’ (the aardvark) birthday, but Gary took exception, shouting that Otis had Chlamydia and could pass it onto an exotic dancer.

The Picture: