Bono's Blasted Blast Off

The Words:


Megan Fox
Combine harvester
Smooth criminal
Dub Step
Urinate
Kebab
Melons
Waps
Moon landing
P&O European Ferries
Offensive
Complaint
Bono
How now
Googly
Hawkeye
Safari
Puss


The Story:


Bono was on a mission to build a machine that could get him to the moon on a budget. He set to work using old vehicles to build his sensational space craft. The main components that he used were from a washed up P&O European ferry and a combine harvester. Rather than sitting down making drawings and fine tuning his design he slapped bits together and went with the flow. He figured that it was a waste of time to draw designs; he needed to get this thing moving. With a kebab in one hand and a blowtorch in the other he worked on through the night like a demented psychopath. He was nearly done and the craft looked surprisingly like a pair of gigantic waps.

He was not finished yet he needed to decorate the structure. One of the melon shaped spheres he pained a hawkeye and on the other a picture of Megan Fox. He wanted something similar to what war pilots had on their planes. It was finished and Bono looked up at his offensive looking creation with pride. It was time for bed now and when he awoke it would be launch time.

The reason Bono had built his creation was to pay his respects to Michael Jackson. He wanted to go to the moon and do the moonwalk on arrival while listening to “Smooth Criminal” and holding his crouch. Jacko was his favourite act after Dubstep and following his departure he felt it was something he had to do.

Bono woke up and got himself together. First he took a shower and then put on his clothes. He finished off his outfit with a safari jacket before squeezing himself into a space suit. Before he set off to the craft he made sure the spacesuit was set up so he could easily urinate during flight. This was it, Bono strapped himself in and said a quick rendition of “how now brown cow” to calm his nerves. In usual dramatic style the countdown for takeoff was “The final countdown” by Europe. Once the song was complete the engines roared into life and the craft took off. At first all looked good but then the spaceship started to change direction rapidly like a googly ball in cricket. There was a sudden explosion in the sky and this was no sonic boom. The craft split to smithereens and rained down like a like a firework.

Police said that Bono’s body largely evaporated into the atmosphere but a gooey puss was found on part of the wreckage that contained his DNA. Scientists set to work to see if they could resurrect Bono from DNA they found and this is still ongoing. One Scientist believes the goo can be used to make as many as 100 Bono’s. This has not gone down well with the public and has caused more than one complaint.



The Picture:

Where There's A Will There's A Way

The Words:

Catheter Bag
Danny McBanana
Bulldog clip
Faeces
Sellotape
Jaffa cake
Will Young
Will Carling
Will Mellor
William Windsor

Limp
Stump

The Story:

Danny McBanana was on a killing spree and was working his way through all the famous Will’s he could find. He had no reason for this; he just disliked the name Will. He had started by killing random Wills by looking through the phone directory but this wasn’t giving him the thrill he needed anymore, so he’s upped the anti to the big boys.

Danny is a man that gets bored easily, so every murder needs to be a little different. When he murdered Will Young he suffocated him by mummifying him in sellotape. It looked like a human cocoon. With Will Mellor he used just clubbed his victim with a large tree stump. He looked a real mess with his face in a concaved shape where his skull had imploded. Will Carling got the Jaffa cake treatment. He force fed Will Carling Jaffa cakes until he could eat no more. Will had eaten so many that the orange jelly was repeating on him and retracting back up his windpipe. Danny wasted no time and stuffed more three more jaffa’s in his mouth and held his lips together with an industrial sized bulldog clip. Carling gagged on his own vomit.

Today was the big one. He was going to kill the future king of England. This was special the one that would get him world famous throughout the world. He had been planning this for months but he knew this was going to be hard to pull off. William Windsor was attending the opening of a new hospital wing. Danny was lying and waiting in the one of the empty rooms in the hospital. He knew the window of opportunity would be short so he had to get this right. He did not want to alarm anyone so he must be able to make his visit as normal. He would get Windsor on the way out before he got back to the security.

As planned the visit took place and as he was leaving the hospital Danny sprung from the private room and dragged the future monarch into the private room. Danny punched to try and stop William struggling, but William landed Danny with a counterpunch. For a moment Danny thought that the opportunity had gone but he managed to get the situation back under control and forced William on the bed. When Danny killed Carling the before the death the food and fear caused Carling to shit himself. The gagging had been so successful he decided he would gag William with Carlings shit. He knew time was precious so he got to work ramming the limp faeces into William’s mouth and ramming it home with a pallet knife. His victim gagged and spattered shit out over his face but there was too much and he asphyxiated on the fowl smelling poo. Before Danny left he collected a pint of the royal’s blood in a catheter bag he found in the room.

Once Danny got home he used the catheter bag to squeeze the blood over his joobs. He was so turned on, and started to lap up the blood from his mammaries. There was a knock on the door followed by the words “police” open up. He had been followed.

The Picture: