Media Whores Ant & Dec to Host The All New Bullseye

The Words:

Stonker
Subterfuge
Shanghai
Bully's special prize
Lumbosacral
Shetland pony
Schindler’s other list
Carol Yager
Ant and Dec
CCTV
Retard
Dribbler
Splinge
Shabba
Necrophilia
Pubis

The Story:

In recent months, growing speculation that Carol Yager’s natural weight loss was nothing but elaborate subterfuge. New CCTV footage that has recently been leaked show’s the record holding splinge having surgery in a shanghai hospital just before the record weight loss was recorded.

Ant and Dec plan to release a new show on ITV later this year, about people who have remarkable stories that are strange but true. Carol was to be a guest presenter, but due to the dubious nature of her claims she has recently been sidelined; fearing backlash from the public and the programmes sponsor Ripley's believe it or not. Programme topics are expected to be around an adult with pubis bones that have not fused, the man with the biggest stonker and the record breaking dribbler. Items that are yet to be confirmed are items on necrophilia witnesses and Schindler’s other list. Ant and Dec are reportedly worried that this programme may tarnish their image, due to the sensitive nature of the show.

Ant and Dec are also going to headline the game show Bullseye, after Dave Spike’s 80’s adaptation failed to top the ratings. Bully’s image has been given an overhaul and instead of him walking across the screen with a dictionary, he is now seen riding a Shetland pony, and if someone wins Bully’s special prize he shouts “Shabba”, in a retard Football Italia “Lazio” style. The format is similar but with more of a modern twist. Ant and Dec agreed to do the show on the proviso that they can humiliate the guest if they loose. For instance if someone can not spell Lumbosacral, on the spelling round, not only will the guests get a resounding “moo”, but they will also get ridiculed and then hoyed into a gunge-tank, before covering them in human entrails. Agents of the Geordie pairing are reportedly exited about the new hybrid concept, as a mechanism to revolutionise modern game shows and raise the profile of the double act to a new audience.

The Picture:

Frankie Boyle's Quest For New Material.

The Words:

Toblerone
Nut cracker
John Wark
NATO
Area 51.
Frankie Boyle
Grandmaster Flash
Pickles
Top Gun
Pumpernickel
ugly
Toe
Haddock sandwich
Sarcastic Fringehead fish

The Story:

Frankie Boyle recently paid a visit to Area 51 in Nevada, looking for material for his stand up routine. He has been having a bit of a blip looking for new material and thought a change of scenery may help get his comedy juices flowing. So far his new material resembled a sarcastic fringehead fish out of water.

Although NATO denies that Area 51 exists, everyone knows there is a secret base located in the Nevada desert. There have been all sorts of theories of UFO landings that have been hushed up, even a base that was set aside to train Top Gun pilots. On Frankie’s trip he met up with a group of people at the Pumpernickel café who actively spread the word on UFO conspiracies. The geeks even have their own website called Grandmaster Flash, where minor celebrities have signed up to follow. One such follower is John Wark the Ipswich and Liverpool midfielder. Although Frankie found this encounter very interesting, he concluded that the group where one triangle short of a Toblerone.

Once returned to the UK, Boyle started working one new material while scoffing a haddock sandwich. He figured fish is brain food and would help him ridicule the freaks he met in Nevada, but this was to no avail. This was getting ugly and his next gig was in a week. In an effort to rescue his name he scoured the internet for ideas and stole ideas from Franc Bent Long. This proved to be his downfall, Boyle was hunted down and his toes were sandwiched in a nut cracker, crushing his toes to smithereens. Beware if you plagiarise my work; the next victim will be turned into pickles.

The Picture: