Dwarf
Pete Watermelon
Tabernacle
Drag queen
Starship Enterprise
Quack Quack
Grot
Moomin
Glendonitis
Whore
Wotsits
Cowboy
Moose
'Alright there la’?
kind of
Hertfordshire
Cauliflower Ears
"Consonant please Carol"
Bunion
Flap
Limp
Milk
Nancy boy
Spam
Placebo
funk
Slime
Onion Bhaji
Special bus
Jellify
The Story:
Pete Watermelon’s career of picking annoying pop acts has dried up in the wake of the X-Factor mogul Simon Cowell’s global takeover. His new venture is to appear in the next Star Trek film and have the Cheeky Girls doing the main soundtrack. He was originally concerned that he wouldn’t fit in with the cast, but was quickly relieved that the crew comprised of limping dwarfs and cast that resembled drag queens and moomins. Although he believed that he fitted in, those around him were far from convinced.
The directors are starting to regret their decision due to his strange habits. He has a strange habit of eating food the in the shape of body parts and inanimate objects. Particular favourites of his are milk bottle sweets, but he has been known to make people sculpt cauliflower in the shape of ears, whenever the rugby is on. One person on set once said “she is sure the irony of eating cauliflower ears while watching rugby turns him on”. Perhaps the grossest of culinary creations he likes is eating onion bhajis shaped as bunions with added bunion shavings from his own feet.
At first the melon used to travel to set with the other actors in a special bus that did the rounds, but recently he has opted to set up a tabernacle outside the studio, where he attends to his rare diagnosis of Glendonitis, which he treats with the section around the spam that starts to jellify. This hobo kind of existence allows him to pretend to be a cowboy, which has always been a dream of his. Although he loved this new arrangement he was starting to miss his creature comforts back home in his stately home in Hertfordshire. He dearly missed watching repeats of countdown, with the words "Consonant please Carol" and seeing how the Grot Empire was working out in repeats of ‘The Rise and Fall’ of Reginald Perrin, while eating wotsits.
When it got late at night he used to smuggle whores into the set of the Starship Enterprise for some fun. He used to shout “'Alright there la’?” to let them know that the cost was clear. Melon was into all sort of strange sexual acts, which encompassed making duck noises like ‘quack quack’, before smearing his moose-slime around flaps of the whores. He would also play ‘In a Funk’ by Placebo to get the mood just right. A particular preference of his was to let the whores dominate him and get them to ask if he was a Nancy boy, to which he would reply “kind of ”.
The Picture:
