Bono's Blasted Blast Off

The Words:


Megan Fox
Combine harvester
Smooth criminal
Dub Step
Urinate
Kebab
Melons
Waps
Moon landing
P&O European Ferries
Offensive
Complaint
Bono
How now
Googly
Hawkeye
Safari
Puss


The Story:


Bono was on a mission to build a machine that could get him to the moon on a budget. He set to work using old vehicles to build his sensational space craft. The main components that he used were from a washed up P&O European ferry and a combine harvester. Rather than sitting down making drawings and fine tuning his design he slapped bits together and went with the flow. He figured that it was a waste of time to draw designs; he needed to get this thing moving. With a kebab in one hand and a blowtorch in the other he worked on through the night like a demented psychopath. He was nearly done and the craft looked surprisingly like a pair of gigantic waps.

He was not finished yet he needed to decorate the structure. One of the melon shaped spheres he pained a hawkeye and on the other a picture of Megan Fox. He wanted something similar to what war pilots had on their planes. It was finished and Bono looked up at his offensive looking creation with pride. It was time for bed now and when he awoke it would be launch time.

The reason Bono had built his creation was to pay his respects to Michael Jackson. He wanted to go to the moon and do the moonwalk on arrival while listening to “Smooth Criminal” and holding his crouch. Jacko was his favourite act after Dubstep and following his departure he felt it was something he had to do.

Bono woke up and got himself together. First he took a shower and then put on his clothes. He finished off his outfit with a safari jacket before squeezing himself into a space suit. Before he set off to the craft he made sure the spacesuit was set up so he could easily urinate during flight. This was it, Bono strapped himself in and said a quick rendition of “how now brown cow” to calm his nerves. In usual dramatic style the countdown for takeoff was “The final countdown” by Europe. Once the song was complete the engines roared into life and the craft took off. At first all looked good but then the spaceship started to change direction rapidly like a googly ball in cricket. There was a sudden explosion in the sky and this was no sonic boom. The craft split to smithereens and rained down like a like a firework.

Police said that Bono’s body largely evaporated into the atmosphere but a gooey puss was found on part of the wreckage that contained his DNA. Scientists set to work to see if they could resurrect Bono from DNA they found and this is still ongoing. One Scientist believes the goo can be used to make as many as 100 Bono’s. This has not gone down well with the public and has caused more than one complaint.



The Picture:

Where There's A Will There's A Way

The Words:

Catheter Bag
Danny McBanana
Bulldog clip
Faeces
Sellotape
Jaffa cake
Will Young
Will Carling
Will Mellor
William Windsor

Limp
Stump

The Story:

Danny McBanana was on a killing spree and was working his way through all the famous Will’s he could find. He had no reason for this; he just disliked the name Will. He had started by killing random Wills by looking through the phone directory but this wasn’t giving him the thrill he needed anymore, so he’s upped the anti to the big boys.

Danny is a man that gets bored easily, so every murder needs to be a little different. When he murdered Will Young he suffocated him by mummifying him in sellotape. It looked like a human cocoon. With Will Mellor he used just clubbed his victim with a large tree stump. He looked a real mess with his face in a concaved shape where his skull had imploded. Will Carling got the Jaffa cake treatment. He force fed Will Carling Jaffa cakes until he could eat no more. Will had eaten so many that the orange jelly was repeating on him and retracting back up his windpipe. Danny wasted no time and stuffed more three more jaffa’s in his mouth and held his lips together with an industrial sized bulldog clip. Carling gagged on his own vomit.

Today was the big one. He was going to kill the future king of England. This was special the one that would get him world famous throughout the world. He had been planning this for months but he knew this was going to be hard to pull off. William Windsor was attending the opening of a new hospital wing. Danny was lying and waiting in the one of the empty rooms in the hospital. He knew the window of opportunity would be short so he had to get this right. He did not want to alarm anyone so he must be able to make his visit as normal. He would get Windsor on the way out before he got back to the security.

As planned the visit took place and as he was leaving the hospital Danny sprung from the private room and dragged the future monarch into the private room. Danny punched to try and stop William struggling, but William landed Danny with a counterpunch. For a moment Danny thought that the opportunity had gone but he managed to get the situation back under control and forced William on the bed. When Danny killed Carling the before the death the food and fear caused Carling to shit himself. The gagging had been so successful he decided he would gag William with Carlings shit. He knew time was precious so he got to work ramming the limp faeces into William’s mouth and ramming it home with a pallet knife. His victim gagged and spattered shit out over his face but there was too much and he asphyxiated on the fowl smelling poo. Before Danny left he collected a pint of the royal’s blood in a catheter bag he found in the room.

Once Danny got home he used the catheter bag to squeeze the blood over his joobs. He was so turned on, and started to lap up the blood from his mammaries. There was a knock on the door followed by the words “police” open up. He had been followed.

The Picture:

Revenge of the McCririck

The Words:

Thrust
Clunge
Jiggle
Screwball
Coagulate
blunderbuss
Okey
Bamboozle
John McCririck
Taser
Milky orbs
floppy
Kibbutz
Oedipus

The Story:

John McCririck’s mind is one that has never been fully understood. Everybody knows he’s a shovanistic pig, but he never wanted to be this way. He wanted to be far more exotic and live the life of a world renowned magician that uses the power of bamboozle to make a lucrative living. He always wanted to be the choice of the rich and famous, earning large amounts of money at private functions. The longing was to have Turkish belly dancers thrust their milky orbs in his face and jiggle, while local businessmen play okey and drink whisky in the background.

Life for John as strange as it is, is far less glamorous. He has deep routed psychological problems ever since he found out his brother carried out the same act of Oedipus and killed his father to win the affections of his mother. Incest and murder destroyed John and led to the many years of electric shock treatment. At bad times his wife Booby administers top up treatments using a taser to the temple. At the time of treatment the thoughts of his mind fire off at all angles, like shrapnel fired from a blunderbuss.

John knew if he was ever to recover and get past this he needed to confront his mother and brother once and for all. The two of them fled the country twenty years ago and set up a Kibbutz in Israel. John travelled out by plane and he had his plan. He told his wife he was travelling for some research for a channel 4 programme later in the year, but he knew he was going to go to Israel and murder the two people that had fucked his mind so long ago. He arrived with a drive rarely seen by the fowl mouthed blingster. He resided in a town 10 miles south of the farm his mother and brother owned. He was staying here while he got the equipment he needed. He would never have got though customs with these knives and gags.

Two days later John pulled up to the farm in dead of night and snuck into the barn. He knew they would come in here sooner or later and he would be ready. He didn’t need to wait long, and as the door squeaked he saw his mother. He lacerated her with a machete and she howled in pain. Blood was pouring out but she was still alive and in agony. For the first time in years a glimpse of a smile flickered in John’s face. The screams had alerted his brother and he soon came in. His brother was stunned by the sight of his by now whimpering mother/lover. John quickly sprung into action and gagged the deviant and strung him up on the pullies in the barn. In one sharp swoop John cut his mother flange from her being. It was dripping with coagulated liquid that looked like the inside of a half empty warm screwball carton. John removed the gag and in an instant suffocated his brother with his mother’s hot floppy clunge.

The Picture:

Nice To See You...

The Words:

Conundrum
Engulfed
Embrace
Bruce Forsyth
Pristine.

The Story:

Bruce Forsyth even in his old age always keeps up his pristine appearance. I know what you are thinking; isn’t he dead yet? No he's not, and he never will be. The Forsyth will never die because he is half man and half machine. He sold his soul to the computer age in the late ninety’s to Japanese giants Honda. He embraced this new technology so he could live forever and prowl on young fillies for eternity. His large chin is the housing for his energy cells which give him the power to pollute our airwaves year after year.

The dirty old letch engulfed our airwaves decades ago but has never managed to land his dream job of being the Countdown host. He tried to apply for the job after Whitley’s demise but he insisted on having some blond bimbos on the show. Channel four chiefs did not want to degrade the show and turned down his offer, denying the Forsyth doing the conundrum. They didn’t want the torture of his irritating catchphrase “good game, good game”.

The Picture:

Steve's Big Mistake.

The Words:

Insomniac
Steve
Cockles
Moustache
Normandy
gout

The Story:

Steve had been ridiculed for his 70’s style porn star moustache for as long as I can remember. He was a creature of habit and refused change to fit in to the 21^st century. As stubborn as he was he did not like people talking behind his back and became withdrawn and despondent to people around him. This all got too much for him a couple of years ago. He figured that he needed to go somewhere where he could fit in. At first he thought he would move to Normandy but on research he realised that it was not far enough afield. Eventually he decided to Move to Canada.

In Canada Steve really started to fit in. He was no longer the outcast in society and started to earn a living herding elk. All was going well until he developed gout which rendered it impossible to do his job. His feet had swelled considerably and he was in significant pain. The lack of work and disease had depressed Steve once more, and he began to show signs of being an insomniac.

The lack of sleep had caused Steve to hallucinate. At first it started with swaying images but soon he started to see objects that were not there. This had not caused him any significant harm until he was on a trip with a friend. He was out hobbling along with Walter at the top of a cliff, when the edge of the cliff changed to a cafe with a bowl of cockles. Steve loved cockles and stumbled off the side of the cliff falling over 400ft to his death. Walter looked on in horror as his friend hurtled off the cliff. Walter will never forget the sound of Steve’s bones smashing on the rocks below.

The Picture:

Has It Come To This?

The Words:

Stool
Epileptic
Baboons
Balloons
Grange Hill
Joseph Fritzl
breakdancing

The Story:

Few things in this world is as disturbing as Joseph Fritzl, but many things are strange. One of the strangest sights I’ve seen in recent times is singing baboons that inhales gas from balloons. It is the funniest thing I have seen in a long time. You just can’t beat a bit of night fever from a group of high pitched baboons.

The video in question has become something of epidemic on youtube. But it is the aftermath video that is really disturbing. The baboons exposure to helium has caused a severe reaction. They start to fall off their stools and start to make rhythmic movements.

At first I thought it was a type of break dancing but it turned out to be a form of epileptic fit. It was not just one baboon that was affected but all of them. This was strangely eerie and not fun to watch anymore. The baboons were not looking healthy, and what started off to be a bit of fun was sadly harrowing to watch.

Has the world always been this warped? The strangest thing I remember watching on TV as a kid was Grange Hill. Society seems to have moved from funny to disturbing in an effort to keep us entertained. Have things gone too far?

The Picture:

Did He Choke On Coke, Or Was It Just A Lump Of Coal?

The Words:

Laminated
Arthur Scargill
Chastity Belt
Instigate
Frog
Cock-knocker
Haroon

The Story:

Arthur Scargill had taken over Haroon’s life. Haroon was not interested in his leadership of the Socialist Labour Party but instead is obsessed with the work he did in the 1980’s up to 2000 as the leader of the National Union of Mineworkers. Haroon had laminated paper cutting from throughout his rein as leader and arranged them carefully in lever arch folders in order of article date. He was insistent on instigating a reversal of decision, so that coal mines could be reopened.

Haroon abstained from sex by wearing a chastity belt. This is kept locked when in the presence of the female form. His mother kept the key for the belt which was removed when Haroon washed and needed the toilet. The rest of the time his mother insisted on it being locked so he could continue his work to get the mines reopened.

Although Haroon’s work was well received by his mother, this was not the majority view from society. Many people felt that Haroon was damaging Arthur’s good name by dragging up history. The local newspaper had picked up on his eccentricity and come up with a column to called the cock-knocker. This was to represent any strange and eccentric people within society. Each column then compared the strange person with the escapades of Haroon.

Unfortunately the exposure Haroon got led to his fall. A twisted individual who read the column had been doing his own research on how to kill Haroon. The individual who is still unknown broke into Haroons house dressed as a frogman so he would not leave any DNA. He then tied Haroon to a chair and force fed him coal until his victim had choked.

The Picture:

The Story Of The Liverpudlian Lactating Pygmy

The Words:

zygote
Guaranteed
Vulture
Culture
Consonant
Pygmy
lactate

The Story:

Liverpool, the previous capital of culture has been the birthplace of many a celebrity. Pigmy Sidney had lived here all his life and was desperate to become famous. He had an unhealthy fascination of zygote vultures, some said he got a perverse sexual pleasure from them and it was the only thing that turned him on.

Recently he had got in the public eye by appearing on a number of TV shows. His first appearance was on Countdown where they made him a special stool because he was too small to be seen above the desk. He did not perform very well on the show because only asked for consonants and no vowels. It was on Britain’s Got Talent that he shot to fame as a lactating pygmy. He had the rare ability of producing milk that he could squirt into his mouth and then gargle the national anthem. This strangle freak like performance catapulted him to millions of peoples front rooms and guaranteed his fame. People although appalled at his rare talent could not get enough of it.

The Picture:

The Special Potion Prescribed To Pacify A Painful Pink Sock

The Words:

Femidom
Squelch
Spittle
Special potion
Mother Teresa
Smegma
Pink sock
The Story:

Poor Dan had been having a rough ride of it lately. Just two weeks ago he was diagnosed with a pink sock. A pink sock is a painful prolapse of anal tissue and puts haemorrhoids in the shade when it goes to pain and anal bleeding. Doctors had concocted a special potion to try and rectify this, but lets face it the NHS is not what it used to be. He gave it a shot but to be honest it did fuck all. It had got so bad that when Dan was walking it was making a squelching noise and the only way he could stop the pain was to put a femidom over the sock.

Dan was getting desperate. He had done some research on the interweb and decided although gross it was worth shot. What he had read was to medicate himself with a mixture of spittle and smegma. Too be honest I think some numpty had put this on the site for a laugh. Try as he might it was no use. This just lead to an infection which made his pink sock swell up to double the size. As well as bleeding it was also spewing out a yellow puss.
Dan went back to the doctors and the prognosis was not good. After blood tests it was clear that infection had had spread to his bloodstream and he had septicaemia. The told him his days were numbered.

He decided that he must go and see Mother Teresa to see if she could heal him, (This was before she died) She was in Rome at the time. He had no time to waste so he booked his flight and a pack of femidom to ease the pain on the flight.

The flight took off at 3pm and all was going well. However, half way though the flight the pain in his prolapsed was getting excruciating. Dan was in agony writhing around on the floor of the plane. What came next was unprecedented in air travel history. The pressure at high altitude had caused the prolapse to haemorrhage. The sight and smell of the blood and puss was nauseating. "It looked like afterbirth" one woman on the plane had said. Dan knew this was it. As he writhed on the floor the haemorrhage had caused him to bleed to death.

The Picture:

Sunday Bloody Sunday

The Words:

Plump
Massacre
Cracked
Platypus
Deicide
Bono
Cantankerous

The Story:

The taxidermist was plumping up the duckbilled platypus to his former glory. It needed to be ready for tomorrows visit by Bono and Prince Philip.

The big day had arrived and the country estate was on full lockdown for the imminent arrival of the guests. One by one the celebrities started to roll in. After an hour or so Price Philip rocked up in his usual cantankerous mood. Whispers had started trying to predict how long it would be before he put his foot in it.

Another hour went by and then Bono came in full of his own self importance. He had come because this was a high profile charity event and he wanted to get his smarmy face on all the tabloids, promoting all the good he does.

Once inside the Prince Philip started proceedings by announcing the charity auction open. He made a few racist comments and then retreated to his seat. All started well and proceedings were going well, but then form above appeared something form another plane. At fist the guests thought it was an elaborate hoax, but quickly realised that this was no joke. What they saw before them was god. He had come down to sort out Bono once and for all. God picked up the stuffed platypus and hurled it towards Bono’s head. The bill of the platypus impacted into Bono’s skull which cracked into several pieces. Bono had been struck down by a higher force.

Prince Philip was outraged. Who did god think he was? It was his job to cause a commotion at public events. To him this was an injustice. Price Philip took the object that was being auctioned which happened to one of Tiger Woods golf clubs and threw this at god. This hit him with tremendous force and the god rest on the ground. Prince Philip had been labelled a deicide by the congregation and a full scale massacre proceeded. Ironically in the background U2’s “what a wonderful day” could be heard.

The Picture:

The Sad Demise Of A Bigamist Ventriloquist

The Words:

Ventriloquist
Bigamist
Simpleton
Richard Madeley
Barbarella
Cavernous
Noodle

The Story:

Deep within the cavernous mountainous rage of mountains of Afghanistan, Barbarella could be found eating noodles from a ventriloquists dummies head. The dummy resembled daytime chat-show host Richard Madley. The dummies were made after Richard was found to be a bigamist. Richard had been having a secret affair Jimmy Krankie. Not only had Richard been having an affair but he was married to Jimmy.

When Richard was caught he knew his days were numbered. People had been tuning in to watch his show for years. People knew he was a bit of a simpleton, but this was something else. The public turned against him in their droves. People crowded round his house and when he made an appearance they grabbed him and put him on a medieval rack and pulled him limb from limb. When his limbs flew off the crowd cheered with delight. When he had he had finally been put out of his misery one spectator cut off his head with one fowl swoop of a meat cleaver and put his head on a spike and paraded it around London. It wasn’t until his head reached Tower Bridge that his head found a resting place. His head was left there for all to see for ever more.


The Picture:

Post Colostomy Blues

The Words:

Amputee
Colostomy Bag
Fez
Monkfish
Commode
Guzzle
Self - mutilation

The Story:

Since having a colostomy bag fitted Bob had lost all faith in the human race. It was time to get even. Taking a leaf from his TV hero, he started to wear a fez and saying “just like that”. He had it all planned out. The next person who came round to try and sell him something on the doorstep was in for a surprise. He stated by hiding DIY tools in the commode that he used to use before the bag was fitted.

Two weeks had passed and a life insurance sales man came by. Bob invited him in and the salesman got to work. Bob signed up for the insurance and just when the salesman was going to leave Bob flipped open the lid on his commode and produced a hacksaw. Bob shouted at the salesman and started hacking at his arm. Blood started to spurt from his artery and with a few more sharp motions his arm was severed. He announced it with a calm voice “just like that.” Bob then started to guzzle down his own blood from his severed arm and rubbing himself with a filleted monkfish. The salesman by this time had fled the house at the sight of the amputee. Bob did not stop here. He carried on with his self-mutilation with a hammer drill and the rest of the contents of the commode. Within five minutes Bob had collapsed to the floor in a pool of his own blood, his heart beating its last beat.

The Picture:

The Sorry Tale Of The Dreadfully Constipated Lobster

The Words:

Brick
Manatee
Fingers
Constipation
Xylophone
Lobsters
Satsuma

The Story:

Deep inside the rind of a Satsuma the fingers of xylophone keys were stood erect upon the white pith. The keys had become embedded by one of the enchanting band of wild lobsters. They played on the beach of the Cowcum nut long though the night. They could play all instruments know to man and some that are not. A disgruntled lobster used the keys of the xylophone to cure his constipation. He worked the keys into his rectal tunnel. He was trying to force the hardened faeces from within his intestinal tract. This was not working to his satisfaction so he banged the key with a brick he found washed up by the tide. Try as he made the blockage would not budge. From beneath the murky water on the shore raised the most hideous creature of the sea. This was a manatee. This literally scared the shit out of the lobster, firing the keys at such velocity that they struck the Satsuma in a nearby tree.

The Picture:

A Scientifically Fictional Dinner Dance

The Words:

Kerfuffle
Pylon
Bombastic
crabs
Ewok
JR Hartley
Quintuple

The Story:

J.R. Hartley was out potting for crabs. He rarely went out fly-fishing anymore, as his fly kept getting tangled up in overhead power cables that were suspended by pylons. He loved his new hobby and today was special because he was hosting a dinner party later and crab was on the menu.

He was hoping for a good haul today, as yesterday he only caught a quintuple of crabs. This would not be enough for the party tonight. Mr Hartley was in luck today the catch was hansom and he caught plenty of fat juicy crabs. To spice up the dinner party he had made it a fancy-dress only affair, with a sci-fi twist. Tonight he was going to dress up as an Ewok from Star Wars. He was absolutely hooked on the film and even owned his very own Ewok style tree house.

Time was pressing on and the guests had all arrived. There were klingons, aliens galore but what really saddened him was that there was no princess Leia. Mr Hartley served the food which was well received, but strangely he insisted that people left their costumes on, even those with headpiece, like Darth Vader opposite. Some of the guests simply could not eat the food properly due to his restriction. At first nothing was said but after the second course some of the disgruntled guests started to pipe up. Mr Hartley thought that the whole kerfuffle was hilarious and started to laugh at all his guests. Mr Hartley’s happiness was short lived though as the Cyberman next to him stabbed him with a fork in the back of the hand. He’d been hit pretty hard and the fork was in deep. He managed to yank out the blood covered steel and patched his hand. To ease the tension Mr Hartley allowed the guests to remove their head pieces for the desert.

After the meal Mr Hartley decided to get some dancing under way. The guests were thinking something slow such as a bit of Mozart. What he kicked of the party with was Mr.Bombastic by Shaggy. The guests soon left the party as this was not their scene, but JR was undeterred, he had had a great night, except for the incident with the fork.

The Picture:

Charlotte 'Crazed Crack Pipe' Church

The Words


Genital herpes
Crazed
Stairlift
Crack-pipe
Bloodbath
Ecominds
Charlotte Church
The Story:

Charlotte Church had been described in many ways. Perhaps the most accurate description was a crazed crack-pipe. To help with her rehabilitation it may have been advised that she gets involved in one of the Ecominds projects. Although this may well have helped her, it would be unlikely to help other people on the project.

She contracted genital herpes while performing sexual acts on her grans stairlift, with the window cleaner. The infection led to blistering around her genital regions. When her other half found out what she had been doing he lost the plot. It was a complete blood bath. Police said it was brutal act and she had been cut into many pieces.
She may have been an annoying tart, but did she deserve that?

The Picture:

Bergerac And The Case Of The Incestuous Kitten

The Words:

Strap-on
Gargoyle
Syphilis
Incestuous
Kitten
Bergerac
whoopee cushion

The Story:

Bergerac was on the Isle of White to investigate the phenomenon of incestuous kittens. This litter of started copulating with each other moments after they were out of the womb. This trip however was about to get stranger.

It turned out that the whole kitten debacle was just a sick trick to lure Bergerac to the scene. Bergerac had crossed the hotel owner years earlier and now it was time to get even. While Bergerac was sleeping the hotel patron snuck into his room and beat Bergerac with a stap-on infected by syphilis. He was beaten so hard that Bergerac’s skull was split. He made a last gasp of air and he was dead.

Bergerac was discovered the next day by a cleaner. When giving evidence to the police she described him looking gargoyle like. She also said that the gas build up in his body had stating to escape and a noise not dissimilar to a whoopee cushion could be heard.
The patron was convicted, but nobody ever found out why he used a strap-on covered in syphilis.

The Picture:

The Strange Case Of Gary Glitters Kaleidoscopic Chlamydia Ridden Aardvark

The Words:

Glitter
Lap-dance
Resurrection
savaged
Kaleidoscope
Toby Anstis
Chlamydia

The Story:

Toby Anstis has had a resurrection to his career since recovering in hospital. Toby was in hospital since Gary Glitter savaged him with a Kaleidoscope. Toby was trying to get a lap-dance for Otis’ (the aardvark) birthday, but Gary took exception, shouting that Otis had Chlamydia and could pass it onto an exotic dancer.

The Picture:

Ping Pong The Korean Human King Kong

The Words:

Sumptuous
Foetus
gigantism
Korea
Gonorrhoea
Thripple

The Story:

Koreans are not known for their height, but some suffer from gigantism. One such example was Ping Pong. Many think that he was born two stone in weight but this is totally false. Up until adolescence he looked like all the other kids in Korea and such a disease would not have been able to be detected in his foetus. However Ping Pong developed an overproduction in growth hormone form his pituitary gland when he was fifteen and he kept growing and growing.

What set Ping aside from other suffers from the disease was his thripple. To you and me this may be considered a tragic state of natural selection, but for ping it was a way to become famous. He marketed himself on the internet and got himself into the record books. To a select female clientele Ping was a sumptuous specimen of a man. Ping started seeing a string of bested female friends. It wasn’t until he contracted gonorrhoea and started oozing with discharge from his member that he thought he should restrain his activities for a while.

He was right to be afraid of the gonorrhoea, for this was no normal strand of the bacteria. Much like himself this strain had mutated. The mutation started by chomping his scrotal sack exposing his dangly testis. This was only the start, the flesh eating infection worked its way into his nervous system devouring his spinal cord, causing his skeleton to collapse. Poor Ping was no more.

The Picture:

Small Prick For A Nun

The Words:

Tarsier
Down syndrome
Nun
spatula
Tattooist
euthenasia
Stoichkov

The Story:

A nun walked into a tattooist studio and to discover the tattooist had Down’s Syndrome. The nun was a little concerned but the tattooist’s assistant assured the nun that the Down ’s Syndrome had meant the tattooist was one of the best in the business because the disease had made Des very artistic. Des had fantastic reviews and was highly regarded in his field. His claim to fame was the unusual tattoo that he did for footballer Stoichkov of a spatula which caused a ruckus in the press.

The nun had been considering the tattoo for a long time. She was missing some excitement in her life, and felt that nobody will ever see it under her habit. Ever since visiting the Philippines she had dreamt of having a tattoo of their native large eyed tarsiers etched on her rump.

Des got to work. The nun began to feel the needle and wondered if that is what it felt like to be given the euthanasia injection. She swiftly put this out of her mind and began to hum hymns to herself. After about half an hour the tattoo was done. She was really made up with the tattoo, but she decided never to tell a sole as she was worried about being thrown out the convent.

The Picture:

Quattro Formaggio

The Words:

Lubrication
Globule
Scabbard
Pizza vending machine
leprechaun
Spoon
Semi

The Story:

The inside of a Pizza vending machine is more complex than you might think. Remember the coke advert which showed the strange world of the inside of one of their vending machines. Like others I thought this was the creation of an over imaginative marketing company, until I saw the inside of the pizza dispenser. What lay inside was something like I’d never seen before. A little Leprechaun was the chief baker in the machine. Instead of using a big shovel device to remove the pizza, he removed the pizza with a gleaming scabbard. Before vending the pizza the Leprechaun put a globule of lubrication fluid on a spoon and poured in onto a semi-conductor. This momentarily shorted the circuit under the pizza which gave the pizza a steaming appearance. Then the leprechaun passed the pizza to a little sprite which put the pizza in a box and winched it down to the release hatch.

The Picture:


Bonus Material (From Glenn's Wife):

Lubrication allowed the leprechaun to form globules of love juice whilst he was spooning a semi naked dwarf. When he had finished he decided to get some food from a pizza vending machine which he served with the aid of a scabbard.

The Book Of Haroon

The Words:

Haroon
Telescopic
Chinchilla
Splat
Frottage (Consensual sexual rubbing between partners)
Bouncy ball


The Story:

Haroon has an active imagination. He has come up with his ideal world that he has named Haroonville. In this world every female he comes into contact with likes to frottage with him. Due to this Haroon’s gene pool is very spread out. One thing always seems to lead to another. He in fact was the only person permitted to sleep with any woman in the land.

In this strange world he has a shrine of chinchillas. He adores these cheeky animals. These to Haroon are the higher beings and he worships them. He believes by spending at least two hours a day in this shrine he will achieve eternal life.

He once found a man that was believed to have fathered a child. This was not acceptable, as this could upset the equilibrium of his kingdom. Haroon dealt with the man in the only way he knew how. He had a giant bouncy ball commissioned. This was hoisted into position by a giant telescopic rod. He then captured the man and tied him up and after futile murmurs by the prisoner the giant ball was released from above him. It landed with a splat and the man was no more. The ironic thing was the ball never even bounced, but most importantly the equilibrium was restored.

The Picture:

The Marzipanned Mangina

The Words:

Bulbous

Hummus (Houmous)

Marzipan

Scuttle

Subutteo

Urethra

Mangina

The Story:

Josephine had been living as a female for three years now. Just one month ago the change from her male genitalia to a female likeness was completed. This female form was not a descision to be taken lightly. Without going into too much detail they remoulded the flesh from the bulbous penis into the shape of a vagina. The urethra was cut and position is such a way to fit with the human form. Josephine liked to be a bit different so did not want to refer to it as a vagina, but instead referred to is as a mangina.

During Josephine’s (then Joe) adolescence fitting in was a big problem. Most of the friends around were playing on the Nintendo and playing subbuteo. Joe was far more feminine and wanted to plait hair or write poetry. Joe really didn’t fit in and he knew that he wasn’t like other boys. Since he was five he wasn’t happy in his skin and wanted to be a girl. While his parents were out he would often go into his mothers wardrobe and dress up in her clothes and wear her make-up. On many occasions he was nearly caught. As soon as he heard his parents’ car he scuttled off back to his bedroom to hide the evidence. Of course his family eventually found out what he was up to. They just put it down to a funny phase.

Since the operation Josephine was feeling much better about herself. Today though she knew something was wrong. Since she had woken up she had been feeling discomfort in her nether regions. On inspecting the area she could see a discharge that looked like something in-between marzipan and the Lurpack man. In addition to this it had a smell almost imitating hummus. She knew that this was not a good sign and rang for an ambulance straight away. Luckily for her she had caught the infection just in time and a few weeks later was back at home again..

The Picture:

The Unfortunate Demise Of Cheggers

The Words:

Chaffinch

Cheggers

Mogwai

Pancreas

Placenta

tentacle

The Story:

Although the life of the average chaffinch is not too extraordinary the life of the one that visits that visits the garden of the celebrity clown know as Cheggers had quite an unusual existence. Initially the pompous chaffinch was drawn to the household by the sound of Mogwai. It is a little known fact that members of the finch family have a great regard for all things Scottish. The finch started by eating the placentas from plants within the garden.

During the winter the vegetation withered somewhat. Normally at this time of year the finch would fly off in search of better climates but the music was too much of a lure to leave. The occasional snack of snail tentacle was not sustaining the chaffinch’s weight. Drastic action was needed. Looking in the kitchen widow of the Cheggers household the finch had seen them preparing liver and bacon. Although the aromas of the food were pleasant the finch felt that the food was just not fresh enough, but had the smell and taste for meat.

The chaffinch had a fantastic idea. He knew that Cheggers was far past his best and wanted to a feast. The chaffinch new that his time would come. He started circling a height above the garden. Only hours later Cheggers was in prime position. The chaffinch aimed and itself at cheggers in a freefall position. He was on target and was nearly at terminal velocity when he speared through Cheggers torso and ripped out his pancreas though his back. The high impact lead Cheggers to explode. Cheggers died instantly and the chaffinch had his fill.

In the local rag went with the play on words headline “Cheggers did pop!”

The Picture:

The Tale Of The Hermaphrodite & The Hyena

The Words:

Hermaphrodite
Waddle
Fester
Tectonic plate
Plantronics
Egg fried rice
Hyena

The Story:

Uncle Fester from the Adams Family was on holiday in Africa and was very hungry. He decided that he needed some scran. As you can imagine his idea of a meal is probably not in line with that of the everyday foe. His tastes covered a mixture between that of a usual man and those from a hammer horror film. What he wanted was egg-fried rice. That doesn’t sound too strange does it? It’s what he wants with this dish that is strange, Its hyena. As Fester now lives in Africa this was not too difficult capture. He just used Chris' dead body as bate.

Just earlier he had an altercation with Chris Waddle. Chris was trying to promote Plantronics to Fester. Plantronics were sponsoring Chris’ football academy in a nearby town. This intrusion did not impress Fester. Fester is not the most patient individual so decided the easiest way to get rid of Chris was to shoot him in the head. He undressed Chris to make the smell of death more pungent, to lure in the hyena. To his surprise Chris was indeed a hermaphrodite. Normally a bit of human would a nice starter, but hermaphrodite was a challenge too far. He couldn’t help but think that shower time after a match must have been a traumatic experience.

When the Hyena came for the dead body all Fester needed to do was use his revolver one more time, and hey presto dinner. After skinning the carcass and segmenting the flesh into strips he was ready to cook. He had no cooker, but luckily for him he lived on a fault line, and the recent tectonic plate activity had meant that lava had been spewing a short distance away. Taking his wok, rice and eggs he got ready for a feast. Using the heat form the lava he had his food in no time.

The Picture: