**Please note**
All people and places in this blog are fictional. If you are of a sensitive nature, please read no further as you may be offended by the disturbing content of GDS.
verbal diarrhoea Shamone Jeremy Kyle Chainsaw Long eared jerboa Soppy Bakery porn Sellafield Tango and Cash Pina Colada Jack Cohen (Founder of Tesco) Mauled Fish finger sandwich Knobhead Dukes of Hazzard Tubbs
The Story:
In Jack Cohen’s world he is always looking to get more and more of our hard earned money. Although his main income is form Tesco, he is always looking for a quick way to make a buck or two. At one point he set up a franchise selling knobhead hats which went down a storm in Blackpool for stag dos. One of his other successful branches of business is bakery porn. The bakery make X-rated cakes of all varieties for birthday parties and strip clubs, and it has turned out to be big big business.
Even with all his money he was not content. What he really wanted was to take over television and his main strategy was to remove Jeremy Kyle from morning TV. He teamed up with strange man from Sellafield with a Tubbs like nose. Rumour had it that the man in question had been exposed to the radioactive leak at the power plant in the mid 90’s and this has caused him to mutate. They were an unlikely pairing a bit like Tango and Cash, but the strange man was known as the long eared jerboa; due to his strangely large lugholes and athletic prowess.
Before setting off on their mission in a replica of the car from Dukes of Hazzard Jack had a toast with a pina colada, while jerboa wolfed down a fish finger sandwich. The jerboa asked if they were off to meet the man with the verbal diarrhoea, to which Jack replied shamone, we need to go.
One hour later in Dukes of Hazzard style, Jack drove the car crashing into the Jeremy Kyle set mid show. The jerboa leapt out and wielded a chainsaw above his head and slashed it into Jeremy Kyle’s abdomen spraying Jeremy Kyle’s innards over the audience. As the body lay in a mauled soppy mess on the floor Jack could be heard singing don’t stop till you get enough. Once Jerboa had his moment he returned to the car and they sped off out of the studio and into the distance.
Ginger muffin Pleb Red Tegu Chorizo Solihull Conkers Battersea dogs home Gorrillagram Pheromones Slops Slut Cabbage Readers wives Catastrophic
The Story: Coconut Jack owned a Red Tegu lizard which he fed a mixture of ginger muffins, cabbage and chorizo sausage, which was not the recommended diet and strange things started to happen. The Lizard started to become more boisterous around females upon sensing their pheromones and seemed to gain a liking for Coconut’s Readers Wives collection. Things got so bad that the lizard attacked a local slut in the middle of the street. Due to the violent nature of the attack which led to a considerable loss of blood the lizard had to be put down. Officials from the RSPCA said they though that the diet was the cause of the attack.
The death of the lizard got so hard to cope with for Mr Jack, especially knowing that he was the main cause of its death. Animals meant everything to him and life without a pet in his life was really difficult. Coconut tried to fill the void by dressing up as his second favourite animal a gorilla and become a gorillagram around his home town of Solihull. This did not really help his pain as getting his conkers out for the ladies only made him feel like more of a pleb.
Coconut learned of a job at the Battersea dog’s home. He got really excited about the possibility of working there and to his surprise his application was successful. Unfortunately what appeared to be a silver cloud turned out to be a catastrophic mistake; two days after starting the job he went into the kennel to clean out the slops for a German Shepherd. The dog took a sudden dislike to him and attacked his maracas before mauling him to death.
We all know that Wacko Jacko is dead, but did you really believe that the legend died in such a mundane way. The truth has been hushed up to spare further grief on his family. For those of you want to believe that he was heavily sedated and taken to a hospital in LA to try and revive him surrounded by dialysis machines and electric shock paddles stop reading now.
We all know that Wacko was suffering from lack of finances towards the end and he had to sell his circus world of Neverland for an undisclosed amount of wonga to carry on. Rather than staying in America and facing the press he got a Look-a-like to pose as him while he headed out to Sudan.
Once Jacko arrived he tried to keep a low profile by staying in a hovel away from the masses. He had horded food from America which he used to tempt children in. The items of food he had the greatest success with were vanilla slices, plums and Crusty the Clown cakes, although he had many other items that children loved to get their teeth into. He did this over a number of weeks to pray on their sense of loyalty so he could action his master plan. His plan was to take out Mr Okeey. Mr Okeey had stalked him many years before and had written wacko many threatening letters, all of which contained dead wasp.
Jacko knew Mr Okeey resided in a mansion the other side of town and he was here to take him down. He gathered all the children together one of which was still teething and needed to be enticed with a Rusk. Next he strapped explosives to the children’s’ bodies and strangely to his knackers. He fed the small children into the grounds of the mansion and got them to surround the building while he went to the gate and rang the intercom. Mr Okeey answered and Jacko pressed the trigger on the detonator which was connected to the explosives on himself and the children. This caused an almighty explosion which pebble dashed the area with flesh and blood and destroyed the mansion and Mr Okee.
The Jackson family did not want the sordid truth coming out about Jacko being a suicide bomber, so they made up the story about Jacko dying at home.
Rhubarb Squidgy Redemption Horticulture Crufts Poop-a-scoop Pierre Marie Bonio Pwddin Blew John Amaechi Bangor City Lemonhead numpty
The Story:
The Bangor city annual horticulture show was beyond redemption. The event that was so key in the Bangor social calendar was a complete wash out. The guest of honour, Bono (or Bonio to those who knew him) dropped out following an unfortunate accident at Crufts with a Poop-a-scoop. Pierre Marie tripped up Bono, who fell on the scoop; which then impaled into his back orifice. A replacement was quickly found but due to the short notice the best they could come up with was John Amaechi.
John arrived to the event on the opening day to a mixed reception. Nobody knew who he was. The only group that were glad to see him were the Women’s Institute who knew a strapping lad like that would enjoy the food tasting at the end of the event. Every year the WI turn the prize winning fruit and veg in to all kinds of delicious food, and it will be John’s task to pick the winner.
The NBA numpty stomped around the event and scared children and adults alike with his giant like stature. He felt a sense of belonging at the event due to the strangely large size of the fruit and veg that were displayed; for a moment he actually felt normal, rather than the freak he normally considered himself to be. He had never seen a lemon the size of his head before. He proudly had pictures taken with the lemon in front of his head making him the lemonhead man. He judged the squidgy rhubarb pudding the winner and proudly stated that this is the closest he will ever come to a pwddin blew (hairy pudding). Unfortunately for him this joke was lost on the folk that turned up for the event and he sloped off quietly.
At the end of the show news came in that Bono’s accident was worse than feared. The poop-a-scoop that he fell on had been used, and faeces that was on it had got into his blood stream and caused an infection. The infection was so severe that his eyes had popped from his head before suffering a fatal haemorrhage.
